hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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