I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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