My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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