Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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