I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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