Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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