Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
