It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
