She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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