I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
