....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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