If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
