if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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