Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
