So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
