Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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