Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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