You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
