When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
