the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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