dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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