I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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