i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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