Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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