i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am midnight drunk by noon
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
