well I can't set my house on fire every night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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