My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
