I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
