Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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