I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
