Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
