If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't turn off my feet"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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