direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
