Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
