We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
