i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
