I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
