i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
