So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
