you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
