i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
