found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
