Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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