Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This is my gift to your gina
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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