my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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