Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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