I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
