So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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