Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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