I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
