her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
